HOLDAP

Lola ... Amang, wala akong pera!

Holdaper ... Alam ko kung asan ang pera mo...[sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni Lola]

Lola ... Ituloy mo iho, may dollars pa sa ibaba!!

PROBLEMA NGA

Pasyente ... Doc, may problema ako...tu! wing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako...

Doktor ... so, anong problema doon?

Pasyente ... Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising

FACELIFT

Pasyente ... magkano ang facelift?

Doktora ... complete treatment ay P145,000

Pasyente ... mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata?

Doktora ... heto tsupon, P20 lang!!

BUSINA

BF: Sunduin kita mamaya, ha? Bubusina na lang ako pag nasa harap na 'ko ng bahay n'yo.

GF: Sige. Anong sasakyan ang dala mo?

BF: Wala. Busina lang...

ONE WAY

Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?

Tindero: One way.

Kano: Meg-kanow?

Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.

Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?

Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

NAKATIPID

Caloy: Tay,di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo 'ko ng P100 pag pumasa ako sa Math?

Tatay: Oo. Bakit, pumasa ka ba?

Caloy: Gud news, tay! Di ka na gagastos ng P100.

KURIPOT

Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot Ilocana. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.

The ad taker said: "300 pesos for 5 words."

She said: "Pwede ba 2 words lang? 'Tanoy dead' "

Ad taker: "No mam. 5 words is the minimum."

After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: "Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo, "TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE"

ERAP SA MUSEUM

Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.

ATTENDANT: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.

ERAP: Hay salamat. Akala ko bago

PALUWAGAN

DORAY: Mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. Baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.

PINANG : Hindi pa ako pwede, mare.

DORAY: Bakit mare?

PINANG: Virgin pa kasi ako.

MATH

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:

BOSS: If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you takeoff?

SECRETARY: Everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

WEAKNESS

(Sa loob ng Mall)

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.

Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!

GUY: Wala akong magagawa, ganyan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...

FIRST TIME

BOY: Is this your first time?

GIRL: (Angrily) Oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!

CHILD SUPPORT

Divorced father: Anak pag-uwi mo, bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.

Anak: Mom, sabi ni Dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sa akin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.

Mom: Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya pakisabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

HINDI MASUKA

Juan: pare, nasusuka ko kaya lang hindi ako masuka.

Pedro: madali lang yun pare, sundotin mo tonsil mo.(sinundot ang tonsil)

Juan: hindi pa din eh

Pedro: try mo sundotin puwet mo.(sinundot ang puwet)

Juan: ayaw pa din eh..

Pedro: ngayon saka mo isundot ulit sa bibig mo.

JOB INTERVIEW

Boss: Why should we hire you?

Applicant: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay.

Boss: English please.

Applicant: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny!

BUSINA

BF: sunduin kita mamaya, bubusina na lang ako kapag nasa harap na ako ng bahay nyo

GF: Ok sige, anong dala mong sasakyan

BF: Wala, busina lang

LIBRE

Customer: Magkano po ang tinola?

Waitress: P20 lang.

Customer: May sabaw?

Waitress: Libre na ang sabaw namin.

Customer: Kanin, meron?

Waitress: P5 lang.

Customer: May tutong?

Waitress: Libre na.

Customer: Sige Miss, tutong at sabaw nga!

SIDELINE

After sex with a college coed...

MAYOR: "How much?"

COED: "P200 lang, Sir."

MAYOR: "Ha? How can you survive with just P200?"

COED: "My sideline naman ako, Sir."

MAYOR: "Anong sideline mo?"

COED: "Blackmail, Sir."

CONFIDENT & CONFIDENTIAL

ANAK: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?

AMA: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

NAGHIRAP NA

Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.

Pedro: Baligtad yata?

Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!

DAVID LETTERMAN's TOP 10

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President By David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW (Big Mean Wife), and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork.

5. Secret Service staff won't respond to "psst...psst" .

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror or the statue of the Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a karaoke machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow "TakeHome".

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN'T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN US PRESIDENT IS...

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!

USE IN A SENTENCE

IF YOU ARE A PINOY, ONLY A PINOY WILL GET THESE...

USE EACH WORD IN A SENTENCE

SCHOOLING (phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

AFFECT Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

PAUL (4 times) PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.

DELETION The balat of DELETION is crispy.

PAMPERS and PAPERS At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.

TENACIOUS I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.

IRAQ , EGYPT , and IRAN I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then IRAN .

DEFLATE Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?

PERSUADING Jack and Jill got married on Nov. 1, 1997. So on Nov. 1, 1998, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.

DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE; first DEFEAT, and then DETAIL.

DEVASTATION Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

HINDI UMASA SA ASAWA

Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!

Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko lang ang inasahan ko, hindi mangyayari yan!

IDAD NI MISIS

MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?

MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang,
kung nakatalikod 16 lang,
kung sa kutis 22 lang.
Bale total ay 56 sweetheart.

LOVING, THROUGH THE YEARS

1950s - Iniirog kita.

1960s - Iniibig kita.

1970s - Minamahal kita.

1980s - I love you.

1990s - Tara sa kwarto.

2000s - Pwede na rito.

SA ISANG KASALAN...

PARI: "Ikaw lalake ang haligi ng tahanan at ikaw babae ang ilaw ng tahanan."

ISA SA DUMALO: "E, Padre ano ako."

PARI: "Sino ka ba?"

ISA SA DUMALO: "Biyenan."

PARI: "Ikaw ang anay ng tahanan..."